Top 10 signs you are a Suburban Mum

I’d like to be Urban. When I am Sarah Applewood the ‘Actress’ I do try and morph and camouflage myself into the East London Dalston Hackney living theatrical that lives in house share and goes to gig at trendy pubs and brick walled art studios. However there are too may signs that suggest Sarah Applewood ‘the Mum’ is more suburban than Urban. Sometimes that makes me happy. Sometimes it makes we want to shoot the breeze, hop on a plane and ride elephants in India.

Classic Signs of a Suburban Mum.

  1. Lycra at the school gate- early morning pilates or buggy fit  in the morn after drop off. Plan B is a craze that is sweeping my neighbourhood. High achieving mums in the park at 6am BEFORE drop off. Yeah, that’s fun. Let’s all do it.SONY DSC
  2. Once having been the proud owner of a Bugaboo of Phil n Ted’s. If you know what they are – you know what I mean and you know if you are guilty. Add Mamas and Papas into the mix. Et Voila.
  3. Cake sales. Required on a monthly and sometimes weekly basis at my kids local primary. Either you are super keen Alpha Mum who enjoys pottering around your designer kitchen sprinkling edible glitter on your rainbow coloured, immaculately formed cupcakes or you have become wise to the ways of being a Mum with multiple children. The secret being to pop to M & S, get some plain cakes, give the children the icing pens. Job done. Can you guess which one I am?cake-sale-reception-2013
  4. Book Club. Sweeping middle class communities everywhere. In my book club we hop on our Pashley Bicycles, stocked heavily with prosecco and cheese and cycle to the hostesses house. We drink, eat a carrot stick and some celery and discuss our latest views on plastic surgery, ski trips and glamping in the country. Our book club even has its own anthem- courtesy of Le Mil Frocks. Our ‘Mum Band’.  We hope to post to ‘You Tube’ for world wide suburban domination.Book Club 05
  5. Ski Trips. Actually our ski trip links in with the book club. We have an annual jaunt to Morzine to stay in our leaders Chalet. Hitting the slopes, stopping for a wee and a pint every now and again. Hitting the hot tub after a hard days mogul navigation and get back on the prosecco and cheese.
  6. Plastic surgery & botox. Whether you have discussed it, are thinking about it or had it- the cosmetic industry is a form part of suburban mum society. Sleepless nights and tribal tits after 1,2,3,4, children- whats wrong with a little help?plastic-surgery-2728
  7. The Cleaner. Usually Polish- I don’t mean to stereotype but they are! They are also bloody brilliant and no suburban mum is complete without one. They make our lives a dream, the house sparkles, the ironing is done, the oak floor flown in from France is spotless. More time for Prosecco.21-Cleaner
  8. The Nanny/ Au Pair. In this day and age everyone is working. Men and women keep their identity and have high flying jobs and the world is soooo bloody expensive we cant afford to stop and stay at home. An extra pair of hands ( and Prosecco) is what we need and deserve to survive!au-pair-girls
  9. Affairs. Ten years ago there was the sound of wedding bells, the flutter of confetti and the pitter patter of baby booties. Then come the scandalous affairs, the husband running off with the personal trainer or the secret double life behind closed doors. Keep_Calm_You're_A_Yummy_Mummy_LP21511-D
  10. Dinner parties. I love’ em. Crack open the bubbly, put out the cheese board ,whip up the chorizo risotto. I have been known to pop to the legendary COOK, buy a feast for 8 and pop it in the oven. Voila a delicious meal and no one needs know you blew up the oven on the first attempt. First world problems.

That’s it! Time for my prosecco.

Willies in my inbox and Worms in my kitchen

Combining being a Mama and an Actress can get a little bit odd. I never really thought that a jobbing actress would start to get a ‘following’. Within that ‘following’ I have had a few weird ones.

It was whilst I was performing at The Watermill Theatre in Newbury in Some Like It Hotter as the legendary Marilyn Monroe. This venue is completely one of my favourites. Nestled amongst grass green willows and luscious grounds, a lake, some ducks and a resident dog all make it like being on camp. Communal cooking, staying on site in quaint cottages and rehearsing live music and scripts around vaulted rooms and a beamed restaurant make it an actors haven and heaven.


The Watermill Theatre creates great shows that our audiences love. From our home in a converted Watermill in rural Berkshire, we have produced award-winning work that has been recognised throughout the UK and abroad. We have enjoyed West End transfers and national and international tours and given directors and creative teams the space to develop new work.

We are proud to be a leading force in cultivating the theatre-makers of tomorrow. Our ethos is based on a sense of community, with acting companies, stage management and creative teams living and working on site. This environment demands a commitment to the work that encourages a true sense of ensemble that is visible on stage. Our intimate, 220 seat auditorium also means that there is a remarkably strong connection between the actors and the audience making this theatre a very special place to visit.

I awoke one morning and rolled over sleepily to check my phone and email inbox. “ooohhh why has someone sent me a picture of their finger” I thought. Oh. Then the penny dropped.


That was no finger. That was a sorry excuse for a male penis. “This is how I was all through Wednesday night’s performance” it read. Wow. That was a first and very unexpected. How do you feel about that? I wasn’t quite sure. I guess it was almost quite flattering. I was clearly doing my job correctly as Marilyn Monroe but YUK!!! I have three children. I’m a Mum! That’s all kind of wrong. It’s also a little bit creepy. Who was this person? How did they get my email address? Am I going to have some psychotic, sex fiend knocking at the door of my powder blue family abode? Disturbing the tranquil Sunday morning with my family and the smell of bacon wafting through the house? Yikes.


It was suggested I report it. Apparently these sorts of people are more likely to expose themselves in public. I had an email address for them but chose not to. The next day I got a reply saying “Sorry about that, I was really drunk last night, I just think you’re hot” Well thanks mate. I’m definitely not used  to such occurrences. Wiggly worms  in cups in the kitchen after the kids have been hunting in the mud- but wiggly willies in my inbox? That’s a whole other story!


Mama is Marilyn

Oh yes- Come on, that’s pretty cool right? Not many mums of 3 get to dress up every evening as one of the worlds most beautiful, most recognised sex symbols in history. This is where being an actress come into its own. Three sprogs on- with stretched stomach, wobbly bits here there and everywhere (as one plastic surgeon once said to me “you have back rolls and a lot of skin we can remove”- sheesh what a way with words!) and an augmentation and mastopexy scar covered body I got to wiggle and giggle, flirt and flutter under dazzling lights and play the clarinet, saxophone, piano, ukulele and harmonica all in one show as the iconic platinum blonde Marilyn Monroe… AND people said I was pretty good at it.

But their fine performances are eclipsed by Sarah Applewood as Monroe – she has the looks, moves and voice to perfection. Her tender rendition of ‘I’m Through With Love’ is beautifully moving. (Barrie Jerram Musical Theatre Review)

What a privilege, what a blast, what an experience for Mama.


For the past three months I have been on tour in Richard Hurford’s ” Some Like It Hotter”

Great movie stars never die – they just sparkle on forever

It’s April 2013 and at long last funny man Jack Lemmon and the incomparable Marilyn Monroe are reunited with old friend, Tony Curtis. But how come Tony looks thirty again? Where exactly are they? Who is the stranger on the set? And what the hell is going on? This fast moving, fantasy comedy whisks the three screen icons back to their most beautiful, sexy and hilarious selves as they are forced once again to don heels and stockings and go backstage during the making of the best loved of all the classic Hollywood comedies. 

 Daring dialogue and razor-sharp wisecracks, sparkling musical numbers and red hot jazz, join us for the most surprising comeback in movie history, starring Monroe, Curtis & Lemmon – dead, uncut and hotter than ever. Now that’s entertainment!

But hang on a minute- what about your three children I hear you cry? Well, they were at home with my handsome,, hunkilicious husband. Sounds idyllic right? Husband looks after three children, wife goes out dresses up and sings a bit. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all plain sailing by any means. My 26 year old colleague stayed one night at our house and watched in amazement as I started mopping the floor at 1am in the morning after a 4 hour drive back from South South Shields and an episode which involved cutting cats poo from my Maine Coons furry bottom.images-4 ( I have 4 cats did I mention that?- Well, actually now 3 cats- the pedigree Norwegian Forest left the mad house and now lives with the gay couple up the road).

The tour also consisted of dealing with my Mum having a recent cancer diagnosis, flying back from Brighton to get to my children’s Infant school graduation, flying back from another show to make an appearance at my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary, leading my 7 year old astray and letting him dance til 1am then heading off for a dirty MacDonalds with him on the Kent motorway and having a full theatrical explosion (the last one I had was 10 years ago in a tour bus in the snow filled mountains of Lichtenstein after a fellow actor called me a Fat Slag ) on stage during warm-up, tears, foot stamping and all after feeling dishevelled at my understudy for being so vexed she nearly had to actually do her job as my understudy…when I had fed the kids, waited for the Nanny to arrive, got trapped in Teddington for 20 minutes due to tumultuous traffic issues and missed the half…

The average actor doesn’t have a full brood at home, a finely balanced tower of cards that will topple at one exhale of breath at the wrong time. They bubble along thinking about their world, their life, their career. I shimmer and shine then come home to cat shit. I iron and mop, do spellings and school picnics, cake sales and karate and ballet and Body Attack….one minute I’m an actress, the next minute I’m a Mama. I think an explosion is allowed once in a while, don’t you?15227313-boom--explosion-comic-book-explosion-background