I’d like to be Urban. When I am Sarah Applewood the ‘Actress’ I do try and morph and camouflage myself into the East London Dalston Hackney living theatrical that lives in house share and goes to gig at trendy pubs and brick walled art studios. However there are too may signs that suggest Sarah Applewood ‘the Mum’ is more suburban than Urban. Sometimes that makes me happy. Sometimes it makes we want to shoot the breeze, hop on a plane and ride elephants in India.
Classic Signs of a Suburban Mum.
- Lycra at the school gate- early morning pilates or buggy fit in the morn after drop off. Plan B is a craze that is sweeping my neighbourhood. High achieving mums in the park at 6am BEFORE drop off. Yeah, that’s fun. Let’s all do it.
- Once having been the proud owner of a Bugaboo of Phil n Ted’s. If you know what they are – you know what I mean and you know if you are guilty. Add Mamas and Papas into the mix. Et Voila.
- Cake sales. Required on a monthly and sometimes weekly basis at my kids local primary. Either you are super keen Alpha Mum who enjoys pottering around your designer kitchen sprinkling edible glitter on your rainbow coloured, immaculately formed cupcakes or you have become wise to the ways of being a Mum with multiple children. The secret being to pop to M & S, get some plain cakes, give the children the icing pens. Job done. Can you guess which one I am?
- Book Club. Sweeping middle class communities everywhere. In my book club we hop on our Pashley Bicycles, stocked heavily with prosecco and cheese and cycle to the hostesses house. We drink, eat a carrot stick and some celery and discuss our latest views on plastic surgery, ski trips and glamping in the country. Our book club even has its own anthem- courtesy of Le Mil Frocks. Our ‘Mum Band’. We hope to post to ‘You Tube’ for world wide suburban domination.
- Ski Trips. Actually our ski trip links in with the book club. We have an annual jaunt to Morzine to stay in our leaders Chalet. Hitting the slopes, stopping for a wee and a pint every now and again. Hitting the hot tub after a hard days mogul navigation and get back on the prosecco and cheese.
- Plastic surgery & botox. Whether you have discussed it, are thinking about it or had it- the cosmetic industry is a form part of suburban mum society. Sleepless nights and tribal tits after 1,2,3,4, children- whats wrong with a little help?
- The Cleaner. Usually Polish- I don’t mean to stereotype but they are! They are also bloody brilliant and no suburban mum is complete without one. They make our lives a dream, the house sparkles, the ironing is done, the oak floor flown in from France is spotless. More time for Prosecco.
- The Nanny/ Au Pair. In this day and age everyone is working. Men and women keep their identity and have high flying jobs and the world is soooo bloody expensive we cant afford to stop and stay at home. An extra pair of hands ( and Prosecco) is what we need and deserve to survive!
- Affairs. Ten years ago there was the sound of wedding bells, the flutter of confetti and the pitter patter of baby booties. Then come the scandalous affairs, the husband running off with the personal trainer or the secret double life behind closed doors.
- Dinner parties. I love’ em. Crack open the bubbly, put out the cheese board ,whip up the chorizo risotto. I have been known to pop to the legendary COOK, buy a feast for 8 and pop it in the oven. Voila a delicious meal and no one needs know you blew up the oven on the first attempt. First world problems.
That’s it! Time for my prosecco.