Mama’s Away She’s A Fox Today!

It’s been a while folks. Tax Credits disasters and grown up problems in the mum world have been causing much stress, car accidents and not too much time for writing. The ‘beeping’ Tax Credit office were not following their own … Continue reading

Top 10 signs you are a Suburban Mum

I’d like to be Urban. When I am Sarah Applewood the ‘Actress’ I do try and morph and camouflage myself into the East London Dalston Hackney living theatrical that lives in house share and goes to gig at trendy pubs and brick walled art studios. However there are too may signs that suggest Sarah Applewood ‘the Mum’ is more suburban than Urban. Sometimes that makes me happy. Sometimes it makes we want to shoot the breeze, hop on a plane and ride elephants in India.

Classic Signs of a Suburban Mum.

  1. Lycra at the school gate- early morning pilates or buggy fit  in the morn after drop off. Plan B is a craze that is sweeping my neighbourhood. High achieving mums in the park at 6am BEFORE drop off. Yeah, that’s fun. Let’s all do it.SONY DSC
  2. Once having been the proud owner of a Bugaboo of Phil n Ted’s. If you know what they are – you know what I mean and you know if you are guilty. Add Mamas and Papas into the mix. Et Voila.
  3. Cake sales. Required on a monthly and sometimes weekly basis at my kids local primary. Either you are super keen Alpha Mum who enjoys pottering around your designer kitchen sprinkling edible glitter on your rainbow coloured, immaculately formed cupcakes or you have become wise to the ways of being a Mum with multiple children. The secret being to pop to M & S, get some plain cakes, give the children the icing pens. Job done. Can you guess which one I am?cake-sale-reception-2013
  4. Book Club. Sweeping middle class communities everywhere. In my book club we hop on our Pashley Bicycles, stocked heavily with prosecco and cheese and cycle to the hostesses house. We drink, eat a carrot stick and some celery and discuss our latest views on plastic surgery, ski trips and glamping in the country. Our book club even has its own anthem- courtesy of Le Mil Frocks. Our ‘Mum Band’.  We hope to post to ‘You Tube’ for world wide suburban domination.Book Club 05
  5. Ski Trips. Actually our ski trip links in with the book club. We have an annual jaunt to Morzine to stay in our leaders Chalet. Hitting the slopes, stopping for a wee and a pint every now and again. Hitting the hot tub after a hard days mogul navigation and get back on the prosecco and cheese.
  6. Plastic surgery & botox. Whether you have discussed it, are thinking about it or had it- the cosmetic industry is a form part of suburban mum society. Sleepless nights and tribal tits after 1,2,3,4, children- whats wrong with a little help?plastic-surgery-2728
  7. The Cleaner. Usually Polish- I don’t mean to stereotype but they are! They are also bloody brilliant and no suburban mum is complete without one. They make our lives a dream, the house sparkles, the ironing is done, the oak floor flown in from France is spotless. More time for Prosecco.21-Cleaner
  8. The Nanny/ Au Pair. In this day and age everyone is working. Men and women keep their identity and have high flying jobs and the world is soooo bloody expensive we cant afford to stop and stay at home. An extra pair of hands ( and Prosecco) is what we need and deserve to survive!au-pair-girls
  9. Affairs. Ten years ago there was the sound of wedding bells, the flutter of confetti and the pitter patter of baby booties. Then come the scandalous affairs, the husband running off with the personal trainer or the secret double life behind closed doors. Keep_Calm_You're_A_Yummy_Mummy_LP21511-D
  10. Dinner parties. I love’ em. Crack open the bubbly, put out the cheese board ,whip up the chorizo risotto. I have been known to pop to the legendary COOK, buy a feast for 8 and pop it in the oven. Voila a delicious meal and no one needs know you blew up the oven on the first attempt. First world problems.

That’s it! Time for my prosecco.

‘G’ for Guest Book Grotesque-ness and Glamping

I have just returned from glamping at the wonderful Cosy Under Canvas in Herefordshire with the wonderful Dan & Emma Price and their scrummy family. Tipis, glamping, four mums and 13 children. As the kids like to say ‘Epic’.

At first the idea of Wales made me shudder- the actress in me thought “no dahhhling- cagoules, wellington boots, rain, mud and sheep? A lot of sheep. And sheep poo. Pellet-like sheep poo. Cow poo. Animal poo. Just poo.”

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However, I am what I like to call a champagne hippie. Yes, I do truly believe I was destined for a life time of paparazzi, glamour, gorgeous-ness, premieres, chanel, caviar and champagne, sprinkle a few diamonds on top and maybe an oscar and voila-perfectamuno!

Synthetic-diamonds-imageBut…. I am also a spiritual, hippy outside sort of person who loves getting down to the basics. Cooking on open fires with dew fresh on the grass, sitting round hypnotizing, roaring flames with a brood of firebug children singing to a ukulele, hot chocolate in hand, charred marshamallow on a whittled stick. It couldn’t get better. We were like a commune of prehistoric women, plaited hair, outside showers complete with a glass of bubbles or vino or Kopparberg rasberry cider of course.

images-4We were close to dancing naked round the fire, holding hands and chanting at the moon but we refrained. Men were absent and viva-la women power we certainly were self sufficient and surviving without them! This was being a mum to the max. United by sawdust eco toilets (you had to wee in the front and poo in the back or just do your business down a big hole and hope a child hadnt fallen into the shit pile), owls hooting like night time banshees, children being speared in the cheek by pen-knife sharpened spear sticks and swimming wild in rushing rivers I think we all deserved the top parenting award.

By stark contrast I though I would show you the the other side of my life- glamping begins with ‘G’ so does guestbook. This was on my old website and after the Halifax advert was being played I received some interesting comments to say the least. I think this quote is a good opener.

Date & Time:

02/09/2012 at 11:31

From:

Kribber

Subject:

Oh Dear

Comments:

I have soiled myself reading this guestbook.

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This has to be one of the most entertaining guestbooks ever. Love it – pop by every couple of months for a look and a laugh. From this you’ll be able to see that I’m not obsessing on dear Sarah at all. More to follow in a later post on how I have converted my shed into a shrine to “the Halifax Girl” and on my collection of 500 handle-less mugs. Mwahhhh!

People are just bonkers. It was the first time I realised the power of the television. I was only in a commercial advertising a bank! The advert was about 30 seconds long and yet I still have people ‘following’ me. It is lovely and flattering but at the same time its where having a stage name really is handy. It keeps my two lives separate because there are weird people out there. Check this out.

If you let it get to you it could be freaky right? What a strange two lives- poems about Cilit Bang and someone said I remind them on a baby tiger? I also have a folllwer on twitter who says he is  happily married but he thinks about me everyday. One man travelled to see me in The Guinea Pig Club at York Theatre Royal and whilst I was supping champagne on the last night enquiring about this mans connection he said he was ‘X’ and thanks for inviting him backstage! He’d got past the lovely Hugo on stage door and come right on in. Luckily he was a lovely be- spectacled fellow and a gentle man but it did summon up images of axe wielding anti Halifax ad psychopaths that could have easily have ‘got me’ if they wanted to. I’m just a Mum- with a weird and wonderful life. I shall leave you with some more random posts… hmmmm.

24/04/2012 at 16:52

Mr Happy’s Mate

Forgot to add

We watch your showreel on a 42″ TV and freeze it at 1′ 13″, we all stare at the screen and make interesting and witty observations about your quite staggering tits for many happy hours… by the way we are all reasonably attractive young chaps and not care-in-the-community perverts – thought you’d like to know. Must be off now.

22/03/2012 at 16:35

Chris M’Sampa

I can’t take any more!

Sarah, I’m just wondering if you would like the rest of my sandwich as I’m quite full? It’s Breaded Ham and Brie, no salt, and I’ll leave it in the fridge on the shelf labelled “Touch my stuff again and I’ll ******* kill you!!”.

milk

24/04/2012 at 12:19

Mr Happy

Urgent Needs

Felt the need to bash one out… many thanks to the Good Lord for issuing you with such wonderful tits. Praise Him..

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08/02/2012 at 20:55

Jack Hunt

A poem written with love, to you, Sarah. x

Oh my darling Sarah Applewood,
how I wish you lived in my smashing neighbourhood,
I would like you to join my crazy gang,
and together we could sniff or drink some cilit bang.

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Willies in my inbox and Worms in my kitchen

Combining being a Mama and an Actress can get a little bit odd. I never really thought that a jobbing actress would start to get a ‘following’. Within that ‘following’ I have had a few weird ones.

It was whilst I was performing at The Watermill Theatre in Newbury in Some Like It Hotter as the legendary Marilyn Monroe. This venue is completely one of my favourites. Nestled amongst grass green willows and luscious grounds, a lake, some ducks and a resident dog all make it like being on camp. Communal cooking, staying on site in quaint cottages and rehearsing live music and scripts around vaulted rooms and a beamed restaurant make it an actors haven and heaven.

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The Watermill Theatre creates great shows that our audiences love. From our home in a converted Watermill in rural Berkshire, we have produced award-winning work that has been recognised throughout the UK and abroad. We have enjoyed West End transfers and national and international tours and given directors and creative teams the space to develop new work.

We are proud to be a leading force in cultivating the theatre-makers of tomorrow. Our ethos is based on a sense of community, with acting companies, stage management and creative teams living and working on site. This environment demands a commitment to the work that encourages a true sense of ensemble that is visible on stage. Our intimate, 220 seat auditorium also means that there is a remarkably strong connection between the actors and the audience making this theatre a very special place to visit.

I awoke one morning and rolled over sleepily to check my phone and email inbox. “ooohhh why has someone sent me a picture of their finger” I thought. Oh. Then the penny dropped.

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That was no finger. That was a sorry excuse for a male penis. “This is how I was all through Wednesday night’s performance” it read. Wow. That was a first and very unexpected. How do you feel about that? I wasn’t quite sure. I guess it was almost quite flattering. I was clearly doing my job correctly as Marilyn Monroe but YUK!!! I have three children. I’m a Mum! That’s all kind of wrong. It’s also a little bit creepy. Who was this person? How did they get my email address? Am I going to have some psychotic, sex fiend knocking at the door of my powder blue family abode? Disturbing the tranquil Sunday morning with my family and the smell of bacon wafting through the house? Yikes.

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It was suggested I report it. Apparently these sorts of people are more likely to expose themselves in public. I had an email address for them but chose not to. The next day I got a reply saying “Sorry about that, I was really drunk last night, I just think you’re hot” Well thanks mate. I’m definitely not used  to such occurrences. Wiggly worms  in cups in the kitchen after the kids have been hunting in the mud- but wiggly willies in my inbox? That’s a whole other story!

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